Yes, Lord I trust you

So, I am just lying in bed thinking…about everything that’s been going on in my life.

Every single facet of my life has been or is being attacked. My health, my home (builders), my job, my health, grief, etc. I have been discriminated against, bullied, lied to, mistreated, misunderstood, dismissed. In short, I have been going through it or so it seems.

So, I was just laying here, staring up at the wall, thinking.

Praying, crying and thinking.

Then, out of nowhere, I chuckled and said out loud, “Yes, I trust you.”

I promise you. This happened.

I chuckled, because I knew in that moment, I heard God say to me, “Don’t you trust me?”

But that’s the thing. I do. Even through the tears. Through the frustration. Through the pain. Through the sleepless nights. I do. I know I will be okay. In time and always, I will be okay.

I think that’s how I cope. By whole heartedly believing that my pain, my life living with a chronic illness, is not in vain and that He has chosen me to endure this because He has a plan for my life. And He does. Without a shadow of a doubt. I know that.

His hand has been outstretched over my entire life guiding me towards His will and purpose over my life and healing me in ways that only He can. Without a shadow of doubt. I know that.

He has sustained me through it all. Even when it didn’t feel like it. Without a shadow of doubt. I know that.

But somehow, in the midst of it all, I keep forgetting who and whose I am. I mean maybe I shouldn’t say somehow. Because, obviously when you are going through a hard time it’s hard to think or see clearly. It’s hard to focus on the bigger picture or end goal. All you can focus on while going through the storm sometimes, is the wind and the rain. Sometimes it feels like when it rains, it pours, right? The constant downpour of life can be overwhelming. And for me, it has been. The wind is blowing me in ways that I am not familiar with and to me, that is scary. At times, I am afraid but I am continually fighting to not be discouraged. I am continually holding on to hope. And through it all He reminds me in the most subtle ways, it will be okay.

But like I said, when you are going through the storm it’s hard to see what’s ahead.

I’m reminding myself now. Actually, God spoke to me to remind me, that I know who the captain of my ship is.

The one who was sent to calm the storm.

The one that calls out to me and tells me, “do not be afraid.”

The one that has sustained me.

The one that continuously heals me.

The one that has used my greatest pain and turned it into my greatest strength.

The one who whispers to me in my darkest hour, sitting in silence but somehow through all the noise to remind me, I got you. Just hold on.

My captain, my strength, my provider, He is the one whose hand has been outstretched over my entire life so that I can feel His presence if only I would stop to feel His embrace.

Whatever is transpiring in my life right now, I know that you go before me and will be with me.

I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Yes, Lord, I trust you